Measuring up

(alternately titled: Quaker coincidence of the day...)

A life long struggle of mine has been my personal feelings of inadequacy in the face of so many who do monumental work on this planet. I have been fortunate to be in the presence of so many gifted souls - people who create peace, work with those less fortunate, create art and music that inspires and comforts. I have always felt that surrounding yourself with such beings is the first step to living a life of inquiry and growth - but it can lead in the worst of times to a nagging inner conflict of "but what have I done?".

Thus my confusion with my love for Quaker meeting - a truly diverse group of people who all seem to have resumes filled with "good stuff" that has helped our planet. And although I don't consider making the "good stuff" happen a contest, I did find myself thinking "so what?" in regards to my own making-a-difference-in-the-world view of my actions. This week in particular, I met a roomful of people who'd founded schools, created peace camps and classes, and had overcome adversities too horrible to fathom, and I must admit my own life seemed a little smaller, a little less consequential. I've been "here" before, and my choice has always seemed to have been to leave. Yet the Quaker experience, these encounters, on so many levels, just keep drawing me in to where the learning is despite all my self-created quandaries and angst.

And then arrives this morning's meditation on the beach... for which I happened to grab a copy of Faith and Practice, from a darkened kitchen as the family still slept at 6 a.m. As I sipped my coffee and watched the sunrise over Newburyport's marshes, I opened to this:

I think I have wasted a great deal of my life waiting to be called to some great mission which would change the world. I have looked for important social movements. I have wanted to make a big and important contribution to the causes I believe in. I think I have been too ready to reject the genuine leadings I have been given as being matters of little consequence. It has taken me a long time to learn that obedience means doing what we are called to do even if it seems pointless or unimportant or even silly. The great social movements of our time may well be part of our calling. The ideals of peace and justice and equality which are part of our religious tradition are often the focus of debate. But we cannot simply immerse ourselves in these activities. We need to develop our own unique social witness, in obedience to God. We need to listen to the gentle whispers which will tell us how we can bring our lives into greater harmony with heaven.
Deborah Haines, 1978

I do make contributions, every day. Perhaps they seem small, perhaps they ARE small - but they are mine alone to make in response to my unique situations in this world.

As I return to school this week, after a blessed week of reflection and peace, it would do me great good to remember this passage from F+P. I will find out in the next few weeks if I will be laid off from a job where I know my interactions with students, however small and routine, are of great impact, to them and to me, and they may not continue after this spring. How I choose to cope with that news, or how I continue to move on after pondering such an outcome, even if I am offered a contract, will illustrate what lessons I've learned from all of this!